I came home (to my parents’ house in Jersey) this weekend for a close friend’s wedding, taking Monday and Tuesday off as well to really soak up the quality time at home. I was excited to see close friends, hang out with family, spend a little time in nature, and leisurely write and research my career interests over the four days. I saved today (Tuesday) for the latter part, knowing I’d have some quiet time with both my parents being at work.
I woke up this morning in a sad, grumpy mood. I often used to feel this way on Sundays (the day before work) at home, and sometimes still do at my new apartment. It’s like I’m counting down the hours I have to be completely free and do whatever I want before having to head into the weekly rat race again, and it depresses me. (Sound familiar?) There’s also the pressure of having to be productive and use those precious hours wisely.
Because I’m really trying more than ever to work on curbing my ego to advance myself towards my dreams, I said, “No, Erica. Don’t start this again. Nothing bad has happened. You have no reason to be sad or grumpy. Let’s just go make the best of this beautiful day.” I was happy that I had at least convinced myself into a five minute meditation, but this positive mindset didn’t last for long. I was irritable with my mother and we got into the kind of argument that we haven’t had since I moved out. I didn’t feel like exercising, even though I felt gross from eating lots of junk the night before. I was just feeling annoyed with a tinge of hopelessness.
Long story short, I ended up watching The Wendy Williams Show, Bethenny, and Wendy Williams’ aftershows and hot topics videos ALL. DAY. LONG. in my lavender bathrobe, something I used to do often, just wallowing around in my grumpiness and giving up on my plan to be productive. (Or the idea of running a comb through my hair, evidently, which ends up looking like quite the welcoming nest for a family of sparrows after a long day of lounging around sulking.)
Now it would be totally okay if this happened occasionally, but too often I’ve ended up abandoning my intention to focus and make positive things happen for myself (even if I originally found the idea of doing so fun!) to lie around in that damn bathrobe all day feeling like a mess. It’s like when I wake up something inside me goes: “Ugh. You have a lot planned for yourself today. This is too overwhelming. Let’s face it, you’re going to have to work really hard to make it to where you want to be in life, but you’d rather lie in bed while stuffing your face with junk food watching Tyson Beckford doing shirtless pushups.” (Seriously, Bethenny had him on the show today. So very hot and yet I STILL had no motivation to work out!) “So why don’t you just do that. You’re tired anyway, aren’t you? Hey, how ‘bout another four brownies?”
I’m better at casting this voice (my ego) aside on some days more than others. Today, not so much. I finally started feeling slightly motivated around 3:30. (Wendy Williams is a driven, career-minded person, as are most of her guests on the show, so watching her often gets me inspired.) Better late than never, but still, why all that inner drama earlier?
Anyway, I’ll be home Thanksgiving weekend and then again around Christmas, so I will have more opportunities in the near future to try to stay in the right mindframe and keep my ego in check. I hope I do better then. I think it might benefit me to write up affirmations and stick them to my walls, FORCE myself to work out ASAP in the morning to get the endorphins going, and journal after meditating. I will make a distinct plan with lots of breaks included throughout the day to keep my mind fresh and stimulated. I will release expectations.
In the meantime, I forgive myself for letting my ego get the best of me today, and will strive to do better next time. I let go of the guilt. I forgive myself and let it all go, and am hitting the restart button RIGHT NOW.
We all have mindsets and behavior we struggle with. No matter how many times we fall down (yet again), the best thing we can do is truly forgive ourselves, let it go, and get right back up again. It’s all about progress over perfection…about trying to skew the ratio of triumphs over relapses while remembering to be kind and gentle with ourselves.
What can you forgive yourself for and let go of right now?
Peace, love, and glamour,
PS – I have Mariah Carey’s new song “The Art of Letting Go” on repeat at the moment. How appropriate! 😉